Coffee Date

cupofcoffee

If we were having coffee right now – I’d tell you that I’m not doing so great.  I lost a family friend in a horrific way.  I’m trying to go through the motions of being happy, being a good wife, a congenial co-worker, a mommy to my fur baby, writing flash fiction and playing games on my tablet for distraction.  But I’m not okay.  I’m not one to go on and on about my troubles, so this feels unnatural to me.  But if we were all best friends sitting around a table at a coffeeshop, if you asked me how I felt, the words would come pouring out.

If we were having coffee right now – I’d tell you that I feel alone and broken.  As much as I desperately want to be a mother the thought terrifies me right now.  I would hate to have a child left alone in the world without his or her mother.  I know my family would help.  But there’s no match for a maternal instinct.  Every time I look at my friend’s baby girl in the future, I’ll wonder – is this the life she envisioned for her?  Are we doing it right?  I’m torturing myself and I don’t know how to stop it.

If we were having coffee right now – I’d tell you I was so close to being truly happy, not dumb happy, but I’ve regressed.  Antidepressants and anxiety meds are the only way I’m functioning right now.

If we were having coffee right now – I’d tell you I could use a friend.  Someone to go for a long walk with me to enjoy the lovely early autumn weather and talk about nothing so I could re-boot my brain.  To pour me a glass of wine and watch a goofy movie with me.  I haven’t cried yet – I’m not much of a crier, but if/when the tears do come, they won’t tell me to stop, they’ll just hug me until it’s over.

If we were having coffee right now – I’d just thank you for listening.

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11 thoughts on “Coffee Date

  1. I’m so sorry to hear the tragic way you lost your friend.This is just to let you know that I’ve been able to join you for a virtual cup of coffee today through your writing. You’re never alone even when it feels that way.

  2. The openness you have about the pain has a beauty to it. I’m so sorry you are going through this loss. I pray that the pain will ease. If I was having coffee with you now, I would offer to go on a walk with you.

  3. I hope that by sharing your pain it has helped, my sister died at 36 and left behind my 5 year old niece and I can relate to some of your feelings. I would really recommend accessing a grief counsellor, I was sceptical but it worked for me. Someone to listen, not judge.

  4. So sorry for the loss of your friend. Your doing the right things and it will take time, but with the support of others you will be able to move forward one day without such a heavy heart. It’s good to have coffee with others , talk and share your feelings. Thank you for sharing and may your days get easier to get through.

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