If we were having coffee right now – I’d tell you that I’m not doing so great. I lost a family friend in a horrific way. I’m trying to go through the motions of being happy, being a good wife, a congenial co-worker, a mommy to my fur baby, writing flash fiction and playing games on my tablet for distraction. But I’m not okay. I’m not one to go on and on about my troubles, so this feels unnatural to me. But if we were all best friends sitting around a table at a coffeeshop, if you asked me how I felt, the words would come pouring out.
If we were having coffee right now – I’d tell you that I feel alone and broken. As much as I desperately want to be a mother the thought terrifies me right now. I would hate to have a child left alone in the world without his or her mother. I know my family would help. But there’s no match for a maternal instinct. Every time I look at my friend’s baby girl in the future, I’ll wonder – is this the life she envisioned for her? Are we doing it right? I’m torturing myself and I don’t know how to stop it.
If we were having coffee right now – I’d tell you I was so close to being truly happy, not dumb happy, but I’ve regressed. Antidepressants and anxiety meds are the only way I’m functioning right now.
If we were having coffee right now – I’d tell you I could use a friend. Someone to go for a long walk with me to enjoy the lovely early autumn weather and talk about nothing so I could re-boot my brain. To pour me a glass of wine and watch a goofy movie with me. I haven’t cried yet – I’m not much of a crier, but if/when the tears do come, they won’t tell me to stop, they’ll just hug me until it’s over.
If we were having coffee right now – I’d just thank you for listening.